I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
