I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Mom said you looked used
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
