Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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