Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
