We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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