Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
