I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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