You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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