your parents love me but you hate me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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