he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
