She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My bed smells like the plague
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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