I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
