Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
