My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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