dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
