I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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