he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
