in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
