Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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