Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He has the fingertips of a God
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