I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
