She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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