So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
