Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
