There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
