i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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