i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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