My liver just broke up with me...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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