Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
