Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
