drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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