Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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