3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
