I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize