why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
