I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't deserve a penis
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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