my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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