Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
