Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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