How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
