Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
