We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
