I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize