Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
