You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
