I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
