I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
