Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
