Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
