I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize