On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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