Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
