Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
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