fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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