There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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